The One With the DVDs
by Richard Lawson
Summary: Phoebe invites everyone over for a day of watching television. A short and mildly silly story, not meant to be taken seriously.


Phoebe sat down heavily on her couch, closed her eyes, and grinned. The past day had been neat. Monica and Chandler were married. Rachel was pregnant, but wouldn't say who the father was. So many changes, all wonderful, all exciting.  
  
There was a knock on the door. Phoebe frowned, not wanting the real world to intrude on her joy. But the knock came again, and with a flustered sigh Phoebe opened her eyes, got up, and answered it.  
  
A woman wearing a blue delivery suit looked at her with disinterested eyes. "Package for you."  
  
A box about large enough to hold a few books was thrust into Phoebe's hands. She frowned at the label. "That's not my name."  
  
"That your address?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but-"  
  
"Then it's your package. Sign here."  
  
"But, but it's not for me! I don't even know who this woman is!"  
  
"Yeah, well, if you want you can return it. Look, I got a thousand other deliveries to make today."  
  
Phoebe's frown deepened. She didn't like this, but clearly she wasn't going to get any help here. Best, she decided, to take it, find out where it came from, and make certain it got to the right place. She scrawled her name on the delivery woman's clipboard. Without further ado, the delivery woman left and Phoebe closed the door, still frowning down at the package.  
  
After a moment her fingers felt around the edges, found a place where the tape could be easily torn. Carefully she opened it. There were several other smaller boxes inside. Brightly colored, with words and pictures. Phoebe lifted one and stared at it.  
  
And stared at it some more.  
  
"Oh my," was all she managed to say.  
  
---  
  
There was a knock on the door. Phoebe turned off the television and walked over to the door. She opened it and smiled. "Hi guys."  
  
Various exclamations of greeting followed. They were all there, Monica and Chandler still in a post-wedding bliss, Rachel and Ross still keeping within an uneasy orbit of each other as they tried to figure out how to deal with the coming baby, Joey as always happy with everything and everyone.  
  
"So," Rachel said with a smile, "what's this all about? What mysterious purpose brought us all here at ten in the morning on a Saturday?"  
  
"Because if you're planning to murder us all, you should know that I can scream surprisingly shrilly," Chandler said with a serious expression offset by his dancing eyes.  
  
Phoebe smiled automatically. "I just thought you might need some time to, like, take it all in. Everyone, sit down, make yourselves comfortable."  
  
Joey frowned as he sat in a chair. "You rearranged the furniture, didn't you? So everything would point towards the television."  
  
"Just for tonight." Phoebe sat down on the couch next to Chandler, with Monica to the other side of him. Ross and Rachel each sat in a chair, next to each other and looking uncomfortable about it.  
  
Chandler was eyeing the electronics by the television. "Is that the DVD player I got you?"  
  
"Uh huh." Phoebe lifted the remote to show him.  
  
"A DVD player? You?" Monica sounded surprised. "Aren't those expensive?"  
  
"Chandler got me one for pretty cheap. And I needed it to study what I'm about to show you."  
  
"Oh?" Ross responded. "Is that why you've been keeping to yourself for the past week?"  
  
"Yeah. I needed time to... react, too. So, okay, ready for this?"  
  
Everyone murmured assent. Phoebe turned on the television, which showed a frozen image of midtown New York as seen from above, then pressed the play button on the remote.  
  
"There's nothing to tell," Monica said.  
  
Monica jumped up from her seat. "What?"  
  
"He's just some guy I work with," Monica continued relentlessly.  
  
Everyone exploded. Phoebe paused the picture as various exclamations rebounded from the walls.  
  
It was Ross who shushed everyone, then looked over at Phoebe. "What is this?"  
  
"It's us, at the coffee house." Phoebe pointed. "That's Monica, and Joey, and Chandler, and me. See?"  
  
"What? How? What?" With an effort, Ross controlled himself. "Who took this? When? I don't remember there being any cameras there."  
  
"Just watch." Phoebe pressed the play button.  
  
"C'mon, you're going out with him. There's gotta be something wrong with him," Joey said with a smile.  
  
Laughter from the television, from people no one could see.  
  
"Who's laughing?" Joey shook his head. "That sounds like a lot of people, and there weren't that many people in the coffee house, and they weren't laughing at me!"  
  
"They laugh at all of us," Phoebe said as the images continued playing. "We're pretty funny."  
  
"Who is they?" Ross asked.  
  
"Shush, shush!" Rachel said, her eyes fixated on the screen. "We're missing it."  
  
"Sounds like a date to me," Chandler said, to more laughter.  
  
Music, and the scene changed, with everyone positioned slightly differently.  
  
"Wait, stop, wait, stop!" Chandler gestured at the remote, and Phoebe obligingly paused. "You have to tell us, Phoebe. Where'd you get this recording, and how did it get on a DVD, and who added all the laughing hyenas?"  
  
"Just watch five more minutes. Look, you talk about one of your dreams." Phoebe pressed play again.  
  
In rapt fascination they watched Chandler's animated explanation. Then more music, a scene change, and Ross actually yelped slightly as his image appeared on the television. "Hi."  
  
"This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself," Joey said.  
  
"Hey!" It was Joey's turn to jump to his feet, joining Monica who had never actually sat back down. "I didn't say that, I know I didn't say that, why would I, he was obviously bummed about the whole Carol thing."  
  
"I know you didn't." Phoebe looked up at him. "But did you think it?"  
  
Joey frowned. "M-maybe. He did sound really bummed. B-but, I'd never, I'd never, that's just mean."  
  
"We're mean when it's funny," Phoebe said. "See, Chandler says he wishes he were a lesbian."  
  
On the television, the image of Chandler said exactly that. On the couch next to her, Chandler made incoherent sounds of protestation.  
  
"Phoebe." Rachel sounded very serious. "Enough. Tell us."  
  
"Wait, it's your turn." Phoebe gestured back at the screen.  
  
"I just wannna be married again," Ross said disconsolately.  
  
Rachel burst into the coffee house, wearing a wedding dress, looking around frantically before rushing to the counter.  
  
Chandler gestured towards the coffee house door. "And I just want a million dollars!"  
  
"Now wait!" Chandler grabbed the remote from Phoebe's hand, pressed the pause button. "That's not how it happened. Ross said he wanted to married again, and we talked for a while and tried to cheer him up, and then like fifteen minutes later Rachel showed up. I thought it was funny that Ross had wished to be married and this woman showed up in a wedding dress a few minutes later, and I thought about testing to see if I could get a million dollars the same way, but it didn't happen bang-bang like that and I didn't say anything out loud!"  
  
Chandler seemed to run out of breath, and Monica rushed in to fill the void. "Is that... staged? Did someone recreate our first meeting in the coffee house?"  
  
"Not... quite." Phoebe took the remote back from Chandler, pressed fast rewind, and then began at the beginning.  
  
A guitar began playing. First, seven letters separated by colorful dots appeared, then there was a couch and lamp on a large lawn in front of a fountain. Lights appeared, in the background buildings and then illuminating the fountain. One by one, six people walked up and sat on the couch. They switched positions several times before suddenly opening umbrellas. Everyone but Phoebe watched agape as their likenesses began dancing to the music.  
  
Rachel pointed. "Wait, stop that. What was that?"  
  
"Jennifer," Phoebe said. "Your name is Jennifer."  
  
"It is not!"  
  
"Courtney!" Monica shook her head. "I'm a Courtney?"  
  
Phoebe nodded, then pointed to herself. "Lisa." Then she pointed at the men one by one. "Matt. Matthew. David."  
  
"We-we're both Matt?" Chandler looked over at Joey.  
  
"Uh huh," Phoebe said. "And look, this is my favorite part. We were all created by two people named Marta and David."  
  
"All right, that's enough." Joey was uncharacteristically angry. "What is going on, Phoebe? Tell us now!"  
  
"Fine." Phoebe paused the DVD again, then reached into the brown box underneath the coffee table. She pulled out the first boxed set and handed it to Joey.  
  
He took it from her, utterly bewildered. "The complete first season?"  
  
Phoebe nodded. "Now with footage you've never seen."  
  
Everyone crowded around Joey. Monica took the box and flipped it over so they could read the back. "Flat-out the best comedy series of the new season," she said in a daze.  
  
Ross frowned. "Revisit that first year in which Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and... and Ross first charmed audiences worldwide."  
  
"Cast career highlights?" Rachel looked at Phoebe.  
  
Phoebe nodded. "Monica was the only really famous one. Ursula was in another television show before this. Or I was, depending on how you look at it. We're both the same actress, you see."  
  
"Actors?" Chandler looked at her, befuddled. "We're all... actors?"  
  
"Yes. So are many of the people we met. Richard, he was a famous actor."  
  
"My ex-boyfriend Richard?" Monica asked.  
  
"Uh huh. And Elizabeth's father, Paul, he's really famous, too. Oh, my brother, he's well-known too. And, and when you guys went to London? Everyone you met is a famous British actor."  
  
"Everyone?" Joey shook his head. "Not everyone, I must have met a hundred people."  
  
"Well, everyone they showed on the DVD. Like the guy you bought the hat from? A billionaire."  
  
"A what?"  
  
Rachel frowned. "The guy I met on the plane?"  
  
"Famous comedian."  
  
"Emily's parents? Her awful awful stepmother?"  
  
Phoebe nodded. "The most famous one of all."  
  
Everyone stared at her.  
  
She looked back at them. "Want to see more?" She fast-forwarded a bit, pressed play.  
  
As if against their wills, they sat down, stared at the television.  
  
The scene soon shifted to an apartment. Again, Monica leaped to her feet. "That's wrong, everything's wrong! Half the furniture is missing!"  
  
"Not half, but some of it, yeah." Phoebe waved her hand back and forth. "The had to get rid of this whole wall so that the cameras could see everything. And they repositioned the chairs so that no one had their back to the cameras, ever."  
  
"It's a metaphor, Daddy!" Rachel said on the television.  
  
"You can see where he'd have trouble," Ross replied.  
  
"Oh come on!" Ross looked at Rachel. "I didn't say that, you were talking to your father, I wouldn't say something stupid like that."  
  
"But you probably thought something like that, right?" Phoebe didn't wait for him to answer. "It's a funny joke, so David said it for you. The audience laughed, you see."  
  
The dramatization continued. Phoebe watched their reactions. Then Monica's date showed up, and Monica pointed at the screen. "Hey, it says five, apartment five, we weren't in apartment five."  
  
"Oh, yeah. For the first DVD you're in five, and for the rest of the series you're in twenty. They never explain that."  
  
"They, they, they, who is they!" Joey sounded frustrated.  
  
Phoebe shrugged, paused again. "NBC, as far as I can tell."  
  
"This never appeared on NBC!"  
  
"Not on our NBC, no. Do you guys want to watch more? I have seven seasons in total." Phoebe reached into the box, pulled out six more boxes one by one, set them down on the coffee table. Everyone else in the room reacted as if they were land mines.  
  
Ross stood up, looked down at them, cautiously picked up Season Three. He unfolded the DVD holder. "The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy."  
  
Rachel blushed. "They didn't!"  
  
"The One Where No-one's Ready. The One With the Jam." Ross's eyes roamed over the titles, froze. "The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break."  
  
Rachel grimaced, closed her eyes, covered her face with her hands.  
  
"This is everything," Ross said thickly. "Everything that happened. The good and the bad. And, and it's a comedy? With people laughing and everything?"  
  
"Uh huh. We all say very funny things in the bedroom while you and Rachel are breaking up." Phoebe indicated the DVD player. "Want to see?"  
  
"No." Ross firmly folded the DVD holder back up, set it back on the coffee table, then went over to Rachel and knelt in front of her, taking her hands and sharing a look with her.  
  
"Well, we have hours. I can show you the best ones. This one, the first one where Rachel moves in with Monica, it's actually one of my favorites."  
  
They all looked at Phoebe. Monica sat back down. "It's got... everything? Your pregnancy? Ross and Rachel in Vegas? Our wedding?"  
  
"All that, plus a lot of the little things that happened. Like, remember when you guys tossed that ball around for hours?"  
  
Chandler blinked. "I'd forgotten about that. It's an episode?"  
  
"All sorts of things are. Let's watch!" Phoebe pressed play.  
  
There were very few comments for the next several hours. Phoebe showed them select episodes from each of the boxes. It showed everything, just subtly altered. Some episodes, like Ross and Rachel's breakup or Monica's breakup with Richard, she skipped over. But she did show Ross and Rachel's attempted reconciliation after the beach, and their fight afterwards.  
  
On and one it went, from London to Vegas, from Phoebe's pregnancy to Monica and Chandler's proposal. She ended with the Monica and Chandler's wedding, with the camera slowly centering on Rachel after Monica told Chandler she wasn't pregnant.  
  
"Ah," Rachel said faintly. "So millions of people knew I was pregnant before any of you did."  
  
"No." Ross shook his head firmly. "No, no, no. That whole thing was wrong, there are like a million differences."  
  
"But it's still us," Joey said. "It's still our lives."  
  
"Those aren't us!" Monica folded her arms. "Those people are meaner, pettier, and much more childish. God, I can't imagine being that Monica. I'd never make jokes at the expense of my fr- uh, of any of you."  
  
"I know." Phoebe nodded. "But see, if we act mean and childish and petty, we're a lot more fun to watch. Don't you think?"  
  
"I couldn't... imagine being that man." Ross shook his head. "He's insane, he's really insane. He gets so angry, he has such mood swings, he overreacts to everything... I, I don't act that way." His eyes drifted over to Rachel. "Do I?"  
  
Rachel, despite looking a bit pale, met his eyes and squeezed his hands. "No, you don't."  
  
"And I'm so obsessive and demanding." Monica looked down at her feet. "I know I am a little bit. But I... I'm not like..."  
  
"You're not," Chandler said firmly. "None of us are. Those aren't us, those are caricatures of us."  
  
"So, there's still the question." Joey looked over at Phoebe. "Where'd this come from?"  
  
They all turned to look. Phoebe shrugged. "It was delivered to me. Lisa, actually, but at this address. I didn't order it, and there's no return address or packing slip."  
  
Silence for a while. Phoebe let them be. It had taken her a while, too.  
  
Finally, Ross spoke in a slow, deliberate voice. "Y'know, I bet it wouldn't be too hard to get actors who look like us. A little makeup and you could get anyone to look like anyone."  
  
"And you could build those sets, easy," Joey said. "I seen 'em do it, they can build a whole house in like a day."  
  
"Sure, and writing the scripts, that isn't hard." Chandler frowned thoughtfully. "You'd just need someone who knew us pretty well and had a lot of money."  
  
"Sure," Monica said, warming to the idea. "Like maybe Janice. Or Pete. Pete, he was really rich."  
  
"Yes!" Chandler was equally enthusiastic. "He could hire private investigators, too, dig up all the dirt on us, find out everything he could, then make these DVD's."  
  
Joey shook his head, confused. "But why?"  
  
"To mess with our minds!" Chandler gestured expansively. "For revenge on Monica for dumping him! Who knows? He just planned this for a while and decided to do it."  
  
"I... I guess that..." Rachel sounded uncertain. "I mean, it's possible, but man... the effort it took. It had to take weeks... years, even, to put that all together. It seems an awful lot of effort for such a small gain."  
  
"Rich people do get obsessive," Ross said contemplatively. "Remember how he got fixated with Ultimate Fighting. He might have just gotten... obsessed with us, too."  
  
Phoebe looked around, saw them beginning to accept this explanation, a rational way to explain the illogical. A million counter-arguments flitted in and out of her head but she knew that anything she said would be dismissed. They'd hear but not listen. It was easier and safer to accept the story Chandler had concocted than to believe the evidence of their own ears and eyes.  
  
She judged them ready. "All right. We have one more episode we have to see."  
  
There was kind of a sigh that passed through them. "We've seen enough, haven't we?" Rachel said with just a hint of exasperation.  
  
"Not all of it. I haven't even seen this one. I wanted to wait for you all." Phoebe reached back into the box. "See, the series evidently ran for ten seasons, not seven. I don't know why I didn't receive boxes eight through ten, but I did get this." She pulled out a much thinner DVD holder, set it on the coffee table.  
  
Chandler looked frightened as he read the subtitle. "The Series Finale."  
  
Phoebe nodded. "The Last One. Wanna watch?"  
  
No one spoke until Ross began, "So this takes place...?"  
  
"Three years in the future," Phoebe confirmed. "We get to see how the series ended, and what happened to each of us."  
  
Rachel put her hand on her stomach, looked at Ross. Ross was still fixated on the DVD and seemed unaware of Rachel's gaze. Monica and Chandler were looking at each other, while Joey seemed determined to look around the apartment at anything other than the table, television, or any of the people.  
  
"Series finales can be ugly sometimes," Monica said slowly.  
  
"Jail," Joey said quietly. "In Seinfeld they all ended in jail."  
  
"The fired everyone at the end of Mary Tyler Moore," Rachel said. "They all had to move away and get different jobs."  
  
"Newhart was all just a dream," Joey said, still not looking at anything. "None of it was real, ever."  
  
"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!" Chandler sounded panicky. "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!"  
  
Ross looked up. "What about it?"  
  
"In the book, the last book in the series, the Earth, blew up! All the Earths blew up and everyone, everyone died, all of them! Even his daughter!"  
  
"That last book wasn't made into a television show," Ross said.  
  
"But it could have been! And anyway, it was finale, it was definitely a finale!"  
  
Phoebe broke the silence a few seconds later. "So, want me to put it in the DVD player?"  
  
Monica surged to her feet, picked up the DVD holder of the Season Finale, and bent it savagely. A clearly-audible snapping sound came from inside the box. She threw it to the ground and stomped on it a few times. No one tried to stop her, and as Phoebe watched them, she could see nothing but relief on their faces.  
  
Monica turned towards Chandler. "Come on, let's go home. We're going to clean the apartment thoroughly and check for any recording devices!"  
  
"Yes honey." Chandler rose, gave Phoebe a strange look, then followed Monica out of the apartment.  
  
Ross stood as well. "I don't think Monica is mad at you or anything, Phoebe. This is just... a bit overwhelming, you know?"  
  
Phoebe nodded and smiled.  
  
Ross smiled back, then looked down at Rachel. "Can we... go to my apartment and, and talk for a while?"  
  
"Yes." Rachel allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. "I'd like that very much, Ross."  
  
They left together, waving goodbye with unconvincing smiles.  
  
Phoebe looked across at Joey. He still refused to meet her eyes. Instead, he stood up, picked up the DVD holder of the Finale, and opened the box. Inside, the DVD was broken into several fragments, but the title could still be pieced together.  
  
Phoebe smiled slightly. "Don't trust me?"  
  
"Just checking." Joey blushed and finally looked at her. "Sorry. It's just... it's too weird. Very too weird. I don't know, I don't know how to... react."  
  
Phoebe stood up and hugged him. "It's all right. Just go home and go to sleep, everything will be better tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah, I guess." Joey hugged her back, then broke off and started for the door. He stopped, looked at all the other DVD holders. "What about those?"  
  
"I'll destroy them, too. I don't think anyone wants to watch them again."  
  
"Yeah." Joey shuddered. "Well, g'night Pheebs. See you in the morning."  
  
"See you." Phoebe followed him to the door. As he entered the hallway, she called out to him, "Do you know anyone named Mike?"  
  
He turned back to her, puzzled. "Mike?"  
  
"Yeah. Kind of tall, brown curly hair."  
  
"N-no," Joey said uncertainly. "Doesn't sound like anyone I know."  
  
"Okay. Well, just checking." Phoebe smiled widely. "Good night, Joey."  
  
She closed the door on his slightly alarmed expression and turned back towards the boxes scattered about the coffee table. She picked them up one by one, took out all the DVD's, and methodically broke them into several pieces. She then swept the pieces into a small garbage bag before moving on to the next box.  
  
Phoebe found herself humming a now-familiar tune as she did so. Because, despite Chandler's worries, not all endings were bad.  
  
When she was done, Phoebe put the garbage bag next to the front door for later disposal, shut off the television, and prepared for bed and the years to come.  
  
(the end) 


End file.
